While in Cincinnati celebrating Thanksgiving with Brandon's family, I had the unique pleasure of visiting a Christmas tree farm. You would be correct in your assumption that our family was pretty much the only one that did not include someone who still watches Nickelodeon. Don't worry. It was tons of fun. There was this lovely old barn full of overpriced Christmas crap that you can bet every Mom there NEEDED to walk through after pawning her kid off on Dad to go look at the REAL REINDEER (those things still weird me out). There was a whole room full of nativity scenes, tons of ornaments, decorations, and a life-sized nativity! O-M-G! While browsing this array of festive garbage, I made mental notes of Christmas decorations I would actually be interested in buying and displaying in my home. (A tree is fine, but just about anything other than that screams 'I have a 3 year old and Santy's coming, or... I'm going through menopause, and SANTA DOES EXIST HE IS MAGICAL GODDAMMIT someone talk to me!')
Wow. Now that that's out of the way, here is my list of desired holiday decor:
1. A tree-topping angel that flew into the empire state building, impaling her and her delicate wings
2. A Santa figurine wearing a Lynard Skynard t-shirt, shitfaced holding a beer
3. The baby Jesus in any position that does NOT reflect the demeanor of a used car salesman. A thumbs up would be preferable, and if we're getting really picky, he didn't have blue eyes and blond hair you Nazis.
4. Any nativity scene with a token black guy disguised as a wiseman. This would be especially great if the wise man was a dead ringer for Morgan Freeman, but that may be asking too much. ALSO- LESS LAMBS. It isn't even breeding season for lambs. It's cold?
5. A "Joseph the carpenter"-inspired at-home Paternity test. "IT AIN'T MINE!!!"
6. A Santa hat embroidered with the McCain/Palin logo.
Happy Holidays!
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