There are so many situations in which I feel horribly obligated to engage in unwelcome conversation that sometimes I daydream about living in a 1940s bomb shelter.
These situations are unavoidable but include trips to the hair salon, run-ins with old friends, family gatherings, meetings with your significant others' co-workers and loose acquaintances. Everyone's just trying to make light, polite conversation. We're all just trying to grease the gears between our respective lives and move forward without burning bridges or creating masked hostility. When really... all most of us want to say is, "Gee, you look like you've gained weight; are you depressed?" or "Gee, you look like you've lost a lot of weight; are you depressed?"
Or maybe it's just me, analyzing social interactions more than enjoying them. Counting how often you say "excuse me", "please", and desperately hoping to catch a glimpse at what kind of tip you left the waitress. I'm a judger, baby. And a fighter.
Everybody hones their skills in small talk. And everybody walks away hating themselves for it. How's your family doing? Do they still hate your brother for being gay because they're a close-minded bunch of rednecks? That's nice. Your mother's meatballs are delicious. Did she cry into her wine glass while making them because your father is cheating on her? Is your sister still failing out of college because she's finally got a solid coke dealer? Good to hear. I love the farmer's market, too!!!!!!
I guess i should get to this list, then:
1. I don't want to talk about what's playing on Broadway. Yes, I went to college for Musical Theatre. But guess what? I live in St. Louis. It's actually not a very close drive into the city, and I will probably be busy the night of Tony's, thanks. Not that I would have RSVP'd to your raucous night of Boone's Farm binge drinking and flip cup with people approaching their thirties.
2. St. Louis. How do you like St. Louis? Is St. Louis treating you well? How long will you be in St. Louis? Let me just answer all your questions. St. Louis is not horrible but not great and we will be leaving as soon as Brandon gets his PhD. No, not to be closer to my family. Or his. Or anyone in particular. Just to be somewhere else and enjoy a new set of people and perspectives.
3. My job. This is one's always a doozy. Yep, I moved to St. Louis to be with Brandon. Now we're married, we're happy. We are content with our place in society and have a tentative life plan. Because tentative is the way to go when life can't be planned in detail. I teach pole part-time. I sing part-time. I freelance. I exist within an unstructured artistic environment with support and love from those who matter. And if you want to judge me, be my guest. But while you're seething because it seems as if life just ISN'T fair for you, don't get too dependent on that M&M's stash in your desk. Because then you'll get fat and REALLY bitter.
4. Casey Anthony. Yep. She killed her kid. But if you think that its an "atrocity" that she is now "free", you are a deluded, uneducated, dimwit. Because that girl will spend the rest of her life imprisoned in a world where everyone around her has convicted her of something the media not only created, but fed. The real tragedy is how many Americans fell victim to yet another piece of news that's not nearly as important as just about anything else available in terms of news. Sure, one child died. But do you know how many die every day from not having clean water? But you're right. Those kids don't matter. They aren't white. And there aren't photos of them posing with Winnie the Pooh blankets.
5. Your problems. Don't lie; you don't want to talk about mine either... unless they're juicy. So keep it concise. I respond better to concise. Unless we're going to get drunk and talk about your problems. In that case, I would love to hear about how you think your boyfriend might be cheating. If I'm drunk that could actually be pretty fun.
6. Your dog. Your dog loves you whether you forget to feed it or not. It loves you if you kick it. It loves you if you make it watch Two and a Half Men with you. Your dog has no self-respect. And I do not want to hear about what it did. Unless it pooped in your bed or humped your toddler nephew until he toppled over because both of those are hilarious.
7. Your mom. Call Kanye. He likes to talk about his mom, too. You guys can chill out and share a pizza and a couple beers. But don't count on him picking up the tab; I hear he's kind of a dick.
8. The weather. Yes. I know. This is such a standby. Why destroy such a standby?!! Whatever will I talk to my grandmother about once she laments about New York's new gay marriage bill? (She does not live in New York.) The weather has always been a back-up. But let's strive. Let's strive for something more than small talk and the weather.
Let's aim higher. Higher than Casey Anthony. Higher than summer plans and Youtube videos. Let's dig a little deeper into each other and not worry so much about finding something we might not like. Let's read more so we have more to talk about. Let's think more so we have more to defend. Let's listen more so we have more to weigh against our own opinions.
I want to talk about things I'm learning about and things I'm challenged by. I want to hear about your process, not your progress. I want to discuss fear and love because that's all there is.
