I f-cking LOVE Joe Biden.

Health Care Reform

Trolling status updates today made me realize how many uncivilized, close-minded facebook friends I have. "Socialist"?? You'd surely feel differently if you found out you had cancer, or were in a serious accident and your insurance premium couldn't cover everything. If you're healthy and in your 20's, there is absolutely no reason to be shitting your pants about this. Ask your grandparents what their 20's were like and I'm sure you'll understand how much things can change. On second thought, maybe don't ask your grandparents anything. They're probably pissed because they all feel entitled to ridiculous amounts of money and extensive meticulous care for their terminal illnesses. 

The Cable Guy

So the cable guy came. We'd been having issues with our cable box, and Brandon had driven to the nearest Charter location where they had given us a new box. Well, the new box sucked even more and we got a total of seven channels, which didn't include HGTV and therefore constituted an emergency. So this morning I'm sleeping, all bra-less and covered in cat hair. My phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, ma'am. Charter service here. You got problems with your cable?"

"Um. Okay. I'll come let you in."

My wit was not strong enough at 9am to respond with "I have problems with more than just my cable, thank you."

So I let him in. And he looked like Snoop Dogg. I immediately regretted not taking the 40 additional seconds to put on a bra. I was wearing brandon's sweatpants and had some serious JBF hair.  Anyway, he walks into my living room and has this look of sheer shock. I am not fully awake at this point, but the little monsters had been up for a while and were anticipating being fed. Dylan sniffed Snoop's leg cautiously, and then ran away. Dylan never runs away. Dylan is like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Both cats LOVE strangers. So I came to the conclusion that my cats are racists and that I would deal with that later. To ease D O double G's fears, I smiled politely and said, "Oh, they're very friendly. They won't hurt you."

Awkward silence. He blinks. Of course not, Jessi. They are cats, not German Shepherds. Great. This is going so well. Twenty minutes later, the cable is fixed and Mr. Cable Guy is quickly on his way out. My cats have hidden themselves in the smallest crevices available, and won't even come out for treats. I need to call Brandon about the house inspection later, and now I'm going to have to talk to my furry children about social injustice.

I sit back down to watch my long lost good old cable, AND FINALLY REALIZE that he'd probably never walked into some young, evidently-financially stable girl's apartment and SEEN A 12 FOOT STRIPPER POLE IN THE MIDDLE OF HER FUCKING LIVING ROOM. Or at least, if he had, the girl was like "uhh, umm oh", or had improvised something like "That's my skinny mirror" or "It's structural."

Be right back; I have to go talk to my cats about Rosa Parks.

Major Milestone: First Time Home Buying

Things I've learned about buying a house:

1. Roofs are important. And expensive to fix. So don't buy a house with roof issues. Or mold. That shit is gross.

2. Location, Location, Location. They say it three times for a reason. Nobody wants a mansion if your neighbors are drinking 40s and training rottweilers on their front porch when you come home from work.

3. If your house has a cellar with meat hooks in it, I'm not buyin'. And apparently no one else is, either.

4. Big backyards are nice, but it really sucks when you can't think of anything to do in them after you've decided they're a fantastic selling feature.

5. Basements make great places for litterboxes. Y'all. We need a basement.

6. Attached/detached garages exist. And are baffling.

7. Respectable realtors won't let you look at a house if its on a corner lot and they know you plan to resell in 5 years. LIKE WON'T EVEN LET YOU LOOK.

8. Realtors are very busy people and develop immense patience, especially for people unfamiliar with the home-buying process who call them 15 times a day. God bless them.

9. No matter how big a house or backyard we find, we are not getting a dog. Period.

My fiance's Apple marketing critique

Brandon's response: "Wow. He can read really fast."