Old People Love Musicals.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for not keeping up with my blog. I have received infinite hate mail and facebook messages demanding more blogging, but since I've been extremely busy failing at figuring out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I've clearly been occupied. Such a perfect situation: I get to brag that you all miss my rants AND reveal to you that I'm in the midst of a full blown quarter life crisis. Win-WIN.

Anyway, for the past two months, I've been working for Stages, in the box office and ushering a few shows here and there. And before you go all, "OMFG JESSI IS WORKING AT A THEATRE AND NOT PERFORMING- WTF IS SHE DOING?!", I will tell you: finding a job performing in St. Louis is near impossible unless you are Equity or Jesus. Because these midwesterners love their Jesus. WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE TOPIC OF THIS POST:

Old People. I work for a theatre whose demographic is 90% between 65 and 100, so I constantly get to hear really awkward and exciting stories about their lives. I also get bitched out about absolutely nothing, and I get to act as a human handrail about twice a week as they hobble down the stairs that they shouldn't be walking but continue to do so because they refuse to give up their "great seats" in the center of row B.

I'm so intrigued by these people, I've done my research: I even read an article called "Have elderly people earned the right to be rude?" For those of you who care, the answer was a complicated no, but we all have to deal with it anyway.

They also never fail to leave their weird shit behind after a show. We've found candy wrappers, snotty tissues, hypodermic needles, hearing aids, and just last night someone left a bag of purple snap peas. Not kidding.

The best part is when they engage in conversation with me about the credibility and artistic merit of certain musicals. If you know anything about my taste in musicals, you'd know where these conversations are headed.

"I love Oklahoma! And MY FAIR LADY! WHEN ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO THE SOUND OF MUSIC AGAIN?"

A few years back, we did Full Monty, and you would have thought we'd hosted a Pro-Choice campaign on the stage:

"I've been comin' here for 30 years and never have you disappointed me so much! This is TRASH!"

We won the Kevin Kline award for it. Also, we haven't even been around thirty years. One of my favorite moments was when a little old lady called about tickets to Little Shop of Horrors, except she didn't think she'd be able to come to such a vulgar show. We didn't understand at first, and then proceeded to explain to her that it's HOR-ROR.. like.. scary, not whores.

They say that our generation is afflicted with this "entitlement" issue, but I beg to differ. Old people think they are entitled to a parade in their honor the moment they drag themselves through the door on their walkers. They ALL think they are the exception to the rule, and most of the calls we receive begin with "IM FRANCINE WALKER I AM A SENIOR AND I CAN'T DRIVE"... I wish we could have software that allows us to find people by that criteria. It would certainly take less time to get their needs met. About once a week, someone will come in and say, deadpan: "Gene died. I want to move into his subscription seats." or "Please move the person that is sitting next to my seats. They are very large/ smell bad/ of a race I do not favor." My personal favorite was the time a lady came up 5 minutes before the show was to start, leaned into the microphone and goes, "I HAVE A BLADDER INFECTION."

Sometimes they make up for their crotchety behavior. The men say the cutest things about their little old wives, including that they "found this pretty lady on the way in", and watching them all wait for their wives to get out of the restroom at intermission is one of the most adorable things I've ever seen. They're usually pretty polite when they come in all dolled up to see the show, and they always commend us for our show quality.

I guess we'll keep them. Though I do spend most of my time at work pondering that age-old question: how is that old people love musicals but hate gay people? It remains a mystery.

15 Things Darlene does

Darlene is my mother.

1. Darlene washes towels after each use. EVERY TIME. My family owns like 200 towels.

2. Darlene bakes homemade cinnamon rolls every year at Christmas time. She uses this as an excuse to bitch about making cinnamon rolls for everyone at Christmas time

3. Every time I call her, she answers the cell phone like she either just ran a 10k or had sex with my dad. Both would be equally demanding I guess.

4. Darlene has a blackberry headset and no blackberry

5. Darlene sends me emails at work with her message in the subject line, and nothing in the body of the email. These range from "ARE YOU HAVING A STINKY DAY JESS?!" to "Almost time to go homeee!!!!!"

6. Darlene calls me approximately 14 times on Sundays

7. Darlene's actual first name is Leslie. She CHOSE to go by Darlene.

8. Darlene takes belly dancing, yoga, and salsa.

9. Darlene sends text messages often. When she sends a message, it's very in depth and can even include a photo or video. However, when sending Darlene a text asking for specific information or her opinion on an important matter, the most you will ever get back is "Yes" or "I dont know" or "Okay."

10. Darlene likes to quit her job every 3-4 years and redecorate a room or section of our house

11. Darlene drives a Mazda Tribute and calls it "her girl"

12. Darlene LOVES to say "welll.. the thang of it is..."

13. She calls TGI Friday's "TGIF's".

14. Darlene has a sick obsession with ordering kitchen gadgets off of infomercials. We have 15+ choppers/dicers/rotisserie chicken spinners/vacuum sealers... u name it- we have it.

15. She has actually said to me "I saw it on the TV"

I love my mother. :)

Last Name?

With the fun and no-end-in-sight global recession, many companies are offering exciting steals and deals to somehow boost the economy, which happens to be sinking like Natalee Holloway into the Caribbean.

Car dealerships are offering buy one get one free sales on their gas guzzlers, and Quiznos has attempted to one-up Subway with their new $4 sandwich that looks about as filling as a McDonald's snackwrap. Everywhere you look, there are specials, sales, and overweight Americans.

Despite advertising huge clearance events and running more ads than ever, there is one thing that will seemingly never be affected by the poo poo economy. And that, friends, is customer service. There are some places that are always hit or miss, like the ghetto grocery store Brandon and I frequent that is also frequented by swarms of cop cars and the angry, cursing black men these cops pin to the walls outside. Inside, there are security guards and "pick up your food stamp/ WIC credit" counters. There are also very interesting cashiers. They either do not speak, and simply hold out their hand with a sassy look on their face to request your ID, or they inappropriately joke about how you made your fiance buy your tampons. Life is like a box of chocolates.

I've also noticed particularly poor service at bars, but only with female bartenders. It's as if even in the dark, smoky bar, they can tell I am more attractive/ less of a raging slut than they are. Hm. In comparison, Wendy's has significantly stepped up their game to always have on the schedule an extremely polite obese man with a headset and, if I had to guess- a college education. Said man will rationally reprimand the pee-ons who put mayonnaise on my chicken sandwich, and in turn make me doubt my capabilities as a future parent. 

However, there is one place that will always have terrible service. And that place is a tanning salon. Those bitches are the nastiest, shortest, most unfun bunch of airheads I've ever had the pleasure of conversing with once a month. Even the Asians at nail salons are more polite. They ask "what colla you wan?" as if it is important to choose quickly because someone might take your color. Or "you bite yo nail?!!!!!!" because they're just looking out for your cuticle well-being. I trust them. I do not, however, trust the orange girl whose only words I ever hear without eavesdropping are "LAST NAME?!". I say without eavesdropping because there is a particular girl who works at the salon I go to whose Asian skater boyfriend comes in and sits, and they argue about who lies the most, and why they can't trust each other. It's powerful stuff. Anyway, what the fuck is wrong with these girls? Is it UV poisoning? Is it that they don't like to wipe up ass sweat after each person leaves? Is it that they are actually secret representatives for World Health and their plot is to deter women from slowly and voluntarily damaging their skin?!!! It's a mystery. But it's expected. It's something I can count on. Just like that the fan will broken, and the radio will always be set to the trashiest, most Akon-ish station there is. And I will for some reason consider clubbing during my 20 minute nod off in the cancer box.

Hey Baby

Hello. I am an avid supporter of birth control. I have one or more prescriptions for Plan B in my medicine cabinet. (Yeah I'm old school... I got that shit before it was over the counter.) I am currently enrolled in an honors level Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo 6 year course. So far, A+. Teacher's pet.

Has anyone noticed the surge in assumingly unwanted pregnancies among their facebook friends? WOOOW. That's a lotta babies. I guess in the tough economy people between the ages of 18 and 23 are subconsciously considering how people got through the depression: had more children who could thus do more work. It's totally rational thinking. Ask your nana.

Anyway, my favorite part about unplanned pregnancy is simple: the planned parenthood/ reproductive services VS. God-fearing farm people initimidating wooden sign war. (Also, side note, I live about a 10 minute walk from a very popular Planned Parenthood location; on any given day you could make friends with 15+ hispanic women who do not want their baby Dora's.)

The signs/ bumper stickers for either side of this controversial issue are relatively hilarious. "It's a child, not a choice." All I can think of is the sassy Shuanita-type calmly and rationally repeating this insightful phrase to her estranged drug dealer boyfriend. Bitch, please. Not even Jesus is reading your crazy bumper stickers, so please remove them from your Astrovan. Planned Parenthood at least has a sense of humor with their marketing strategy:

"Pregnant. You're Not Alone."    ....LOL. nope. not anymorrrre.

a quick message to all facebook users:

THIS

SHIT

MUST

STOP

NOW

THANKS

You're Gay

There are many things I love. Among them: hot pockets, nice cleavage, kittens, the gays, Asians posing for photographs. There are also some things I don't like: genocide, cinnamon gum, and straight people who think it's their fucking duty to police other straight peoples' use of the word "gay." Go. Away.

I understand you find it offensive. However, you must understand it is difficult for me to take you seriously. You are straight, and also probably haven't been laid for months. Unless you are deeply religious and have given birth to nine homosexuals and will never have grandchildren, I don't want to hear it. My sister is gay. I have 7362 brothers. One of them is bound to be gay, too. The best part is I have great parents who have been nothing but loving and supportive. And I would have no qualms with having gay children, as long as they end up with a much better sense of humor than you.

I was a musical theatre major. I was in an a cappella group. I've worked in theme parks. I know and very much love the gays, and they can be a tough bunch. If they don't object and harass straight people about their use of slang, why should you? OH WAIT I KNOW WHY... because you went to college, embraced your liberal, suburban-raised yuppie self, and decided that Vietnam never fucking ended. Mind your own business, or actually go and support a cause that can't speak for itself. Might I recommend the SPCA? 

Now back to my use of "gay" to describe unfortunate circumstances. My electricity provider doesn't offer online payments. You know what? That's gay. And I don't care what you think. It is. 

I am not ignorant, and I have never once in my life been guilty of the truly embarrassing 'your gay'. And if I weren't such a smartass, and innately good at criticizing things, I would probably consider your proposition of using it less in conversation. But you know what... I'm a bitch. And you're gay.

I already loved Kate Hudson. NOW MORE.

I have a role model, and her name is Kate Hudson. There are many many reasons I love Kate Hudson. Here are a few.

1. She is a raging hippie.

2. She has no boobs and it doesn't bother her.

3. She was married to Chris Robinson. He has long hair.

4. She let her little boy have long hair

5. She has a tight ass

6. That yellow dress in How to Lose a Guy was orgasmic.

7. She was pregnant in Skeleton Key and no one noticed because she's so hot

8. Her mom is Goldie Hawn

9. She was the MUCH hotter bride in Bride Wars... though i will NEVER EVER pay to see that movie

10. THIS

If I Had a Party

If I had a party... that's right.. if I had a party. It's common knowledge that I don't particularly enjoy hosting large gatherings, and have been known in the past to stand on tables in a towel screaming at strangers to get out before I called the cops on my own apartment. Obviously, this is because I prefer to be surrounded by groups of 8 or less; preferably, these people would also be literate and have something interesting to bring to the conversation. 

Unfortunately, this has not always been possible. My junior year was spent fending off drooling idiot girls with bad skin and ugly coach purses who were trying to use my roommates for their narcissistic all-male a cappella friends. Apparently, all-male a cappella members have boy band status on college campuses. I attribute this to slutty drunk girls being in constant competition with one another for men who may or may not have feelings, based on the fact that they have some comprehension of music and Maroon 5 lyrics. Also, all male a cappella has about the same homo rate as boy bands: 2/3 or something close.

Anyway, back to my party. If I could physically endure having a party with more than 8 people, and could invite anyone (dead or alive), here is my invitation list:

People Who Are Invited:

Anthony Bourdain, Vanna White, Khloe Kardashian, Dorothy Parker, Chelsea Handler, Alfred Kinsey, Angela Lansbury, Freddie Mercury, Bill Cosby (only if he were a toddler and resembled Gary Coleman), Teddy Roosevelt, Joel McHale, Kate Hudson, Jesus (if he were cool), Amy Winehouse, the big fat Hawaiian guy who sang that cool cover of "Over the Rainbow", the big fat Indian guy who drove me home that night I was walking home alone and didn't rape/ kill me, Ethel Merman, Hugh Jackman, Cole Porter, Natalie Weiss, Sarah Silverman, Stephen Hawking (but only if we could call him 'Wheels' like the Burger King character), Joan of Arc, Elaine Stritch, Ray Charles, Eleanor Roosevelt & her date of choice, Pearl from the landlord video, Adriana Lima, Tina Fey, Pocahontas, Ma Rainey, Bob Ross

People Who, Should They Crash the Party, Be Immediately Ejected:

Mario Lopez, Ryan Seacrest, Suzanne Somers, Dr. Phil, Kendra Wilkinson, Tyra Banks, Jesus (if he walked around like he was fucking Jesus), Bill Nye, George W Bush, Tiffany "New York" Pollard or her fatter, older version Star Jones, Ryan Reynolds, JTT, Any former or current Playmates or Lingo girls, Rachel Ray, Chris Brown (following recent events), Rihanna (because she should really grow her hair out once she recovers from whatever Chris Brown did to her),  the guy who screams about money and has a lot of yellow graphics

Their extended attendance would depend upon my level of intoxication:

Zac Braff, Usher, Celine Dion, the Bush twins.

BYOB. I will provide snacks, music, and access to my wii. (sorry stephen)

This Bitch is Single?

Here's future ho bag Arianna dancing to Beyonce's "Single Ladies"... and for the record, I like this version better than the 8 versions people I know have posted on facebook. Mainly because I know this girl will put out, and you other "single ladies" won't. 

Also, I considered making a single ladies video of myself. Then I realized that's stupid. I also realized that Jillian and this little girl could learn a lot from one another. Enjoy.

Damn you, country music.

I usually don't have very emotional responses to music unless they are acoustic and led with deep, depressing minor piano chords. Extra sad points if I or someone of equal or greater talent is singing and acting them. Even more points if they are written about something truly moving, like dying, ending your relationship, or realizing you are very small speck of nothing in a sea of crazy world shit.

Country music is absolute crap, ok? And I am going to be brutally honest about this. These days, most of it is completely contrived, and uses the same I- IV- V progression that pop songs use. Think Kelly Clarkson if you're super confused. It uses a formula: verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus, chorus. Pick a topic a general wal-mart frequenting audience can relate to: growing up, love, living simply, wooing a farmer's daughter, fishing and YEEHAWW: country song.

Anyway, not to offend any of you that really like country music. I'm sure you also like a specific football team, you still talk to your high school friends and go out to bars with them...hell, you may even be carrying a baby out of wedlock. I'm not judging. Country music is popular. I grew up in Virginia, so you don't need to tell me it's a staple. IT IS.

Unfortunately, I decided to further my education. I know, it was terrible. Therefore, I started listening to Jack Johnson and Norah Jones and all the pothead things my friends and boyfriend listened to. I occasionally created the spicy party mix for the roomsters, making sure to include some Livin' on a Prayer, Soulja Boy, and old school Brit hits like 'Slave 4 U' and 'Toxic.' I crashed my car to that song. Anyway, there was very little room in my life for Kenny, Keith, Alan, or even Randy... Travis that is. Dude, that "Forever and Ever, Amen" song is a classic. It includes the words "as long as old men sit and talk about the weather, as long as old women sit and talk about old men." Adorable. So yeah, I missed out on all the "good stuff" for a few years. See that joke there? You would if you listened to country music.

Anyway, recently, I decided to have a listen to some country music while driving. I had to pull over because I was bawling. Occasionally, I'll pick Brandon up from lab and there will be hints of tears in my eyes and he will pretend not to notice. Many times, my girlie subconscious just needs a good cry. That's when it's time for some country music. In case you are a skeptic, I've compiled a list of country songs, new and old, guaranteed to pull on your little heartstrings. Because no matter how terrible and musically mundane this stuff is, it makes you want to just curl up and have a beer with your dog. And weep.

Don't Take the Girl, Tim McGraw

Live Like You Were Dyin, Tim McGraw

Stealin Cinderella, Chuck Wicks

My Little Girl, Tim McGraw

The Good Stuff,  Kenny Chesney

Remember When, Alan Jackson

There Goes My Life, Kenny Chesney

If You're Readin This, Tim McGraw

Concrete Angel, Martina McBride

How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye, Patty Loveless

You Were Mine, Dixie Chicks

Little Rock, Colin Raye

Godspeed. 

In case you missed it...

Here's Joseph Lowery delivering the inaugural benediction. Many people claim it's overtly racist, tasteless, and a sure sign that electing a black man was SUCH A TOTAL MISTAKE Y'ALL. I think its fantastic... but then.. I would, wouldn't I?

Side note... would it have been such a pain for one of those people to get this elderly gentleman a step stool... or a booster seat or something?

Side note dos: Yay for a President who feels comfortable enough with himself and his religious beliefs to chuckle during a prayer... and to mention "non-believers" in his address. Kudos Obama.

Ryan Seacrest is a Terrible Person

Back in the day, Ryan Seacrest was that dashing heartthrob on American Idol, especially in comparison to that strange British guy he co-hosted with in the beginning. Then we all began to catch on: this guy is an enormous sack of douche. Here's Seacrest trying to high-five a blind guy. Because for some reason, America respects him.

Bush's Last Press Conference: "america hates me so ill make more bad jokes & backhanded compliments. also i handled katrina awesomely"

Follow along with me, keeping in mind that this is only a portion of our eloquent leader's final adieu.

 00:00:01 We open, noting that dubya's tie and suit are both two different, very close shades of blue. Thanks for spending our taxes wisely. You look like a high school play. Dumbass.

00:00:19 Bush remembers Africa. For the first time.

00:00:30 Bush notes "turnover" in the media business and in one comment manages to insult people who actually do their job and bring attention to the fact that people are losing jobs. HA HA. Wonder why that is.

00:00:46 Makes a strange joke, reminding the American people of one of many words Bush introduced to the English language. All while maintaining a condescending grin. My stomach turns and I have a similar reaction to when cougars in bars wink. At anyone.

00:01:05 Bush says the media do the best they can. I am reminded of Palin's folksy description of the media as "a bunch of stinking apples." 

00:01:52 Bush almost forgets to add "billion" to 350. As if asking for either amount is making reference to pocket change.

00:02:05 Bush explains, in response to a question about the $350 bil bailout, how the senate works. Thanks, George. Perhaps now that you are done being president, you can write for the schoolhouse rock people. I'd love to learn (through toe-tapping songs of course) how the president decides who to bomb and when. 

00:02:15 Bush is charming. "He hasn't asked me for it yet." It's not his reparations, W. Be nice.

00:02:29 Third conversation? His wife came over?! You guys haven't hung out with a case of beer and a season of Entourage???? It's ok. I understand. You're old. You're worried about the secondhand smoke from his menthols.

00:02:47 "two sixty-two year olders"

00:03:09 "President-elect Obama's fixin' to do that." Followed by a hazy recollection of a series of events Bush wishes he could live all over again, a slight pang of guilt for being the worst president ever.

If I Could Change Facebook

Facebook, you've made some significant improvements since the days of my not so secretly uninhibited freshman year, when ugly people could get wall posts and messages because the photo application hadn't been developed. You've added wall to wall so that I can look at stupid couples' sarcastic banter and catty bitches' shit-talking. Avid facebookers have discovered loopholes, like stalking certain people who they are not friends with by stalking their friends, or even creating fake emails so that they can stalk people on other networks. And you finally got rid of that stupid "is" in the status window. Praise Jesus. There are just a few things I would like you to consider doing, so that I could enjoy my guilty pleasure even more.

1. Add a link to the photo menu from any photo album, eliminating the necessity to return "home" in between stalking different people.

2. Automatically de-friend people who post more than 3 albums in one hour, or anyone who posts more than 3 albums total of their study abroad experience. No one cares that much about the 3 new people you were forced to be friends with to enjoy your trip to Europe. And I don't care that much about architecture in the first place, especially after having the opportunity to look at it on 14 other people's study abroad album, appropriately titled "Paris." WOW. Omg you're so clever, and what do you know, I love obscure paintings; please show me more. Paris 2 must be even better. Perhaps I'll check that one out too. Or maybe I'll just hate you.

3. Tailor my newsfeed to actually reflect the people I stalk. If you're going to be an outright, honest, stalking application, PLEASE don't apologize about it facebook. Show me what I want to see: the girls my fiance has had sex with, washed up high school "popular" girls, lesbians, videos that include people I like.

4. Stop letting bands invite people to their shows, or their fundraising event. Or at least allow me to create a list of people that cannot invite me to fucking anything.

5. Put the goddamn bumper stickers back on my profile page, and don't take them away again.

6. Make the birthday thing a little more obvious. I'm tired of forgetting the birthdays of people I kind of like.

7. Add a feature that allows people to score or flag a photo or video, so that I can more easily locate vulgar, incriminating, or just plain amusing material.

8. Send a message to all people who separate their interests with periods instead of commas letting them know that they should probably kill themselves.

9. Let people know once and for all that being married to your bff isn't funny anymore. And speaking of, bring back the link over your relationship status that lets me find other engaged or married people, so that I can scope out people who are forced into matrimony by their bastard children/religious zeal.

10. Add a feature that reminds people, when uploading a new photo, that emo helicopter shots of themselves is the most toolish option. Make them check a box to promise they aren't uploading that shit.

Thanks in advance.