This Bitch is Single?

Here's future ho bag Arianna dancing to Beyonce's "Single Ladies"... and for the record, I like this version better than the 8 versions people I know have posted on facebook. Mainly because I know this girl will put out, and you other "single ladies" won't. 

Also, I considered making a single ladies video of myself. Then I realized that's stupid. I also realized that Jillian and this little girl could learn a lot from one another. Enjoy.

Damn you, country music.

I usually don't have very emotional responses to music unless they are acoustic and led with deep, depressing minor piano chords. Extra sad points if I or someone of equal or greater talent is singing and acting them. Even more points if they are written about something truly moving, like dying, ending your relationship, or realizing you are very small speck of nothing in a sea of crazy world shit.

Country music is absolute crap, ok? And I am going to be brutally honest about this. These days, most of it is completely contrived, and uses the same I- IV- V progression that pop songs use. Think Kelly Clarkson if you're super confused. It uses a formula: verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus, chorus. Pick a topic a general wal-mart frequenting audience can relate to: growing up, love, living simply, wooing a farmer's daughter, fishing and YEEHAWW: country song.

Anyway, not to offend any of you that really like country music. I'm sure you also like a specific football team, you still talk to your high school friends and go out to bars with them...hell, you may even be carrying a baby out of wedlock. I'm not judging. Country music is popular. I grew up in Virginia, so you don't need to tell me it's a staple. IT IS.

Unfortunately, I decided to further my education. I know, it was terrible. Therefore, I started listening to Jack Johnson and Norah Jones and all the pothead things my friends and boyfriend listened to. I occasionally created the spicy party mix for the roomsters, making sure to include some Livin' on a Prayer, Soulja Boy, and old school Brit hits like 'Slave 4 U' and 'Toxic.' I crashed my car to that song. Anyway, there was very little room in my life for Kenny, Keith, Alan, or even Randy... Travis that is. Dude, that "Forever and Ever, Amen" song is a classic. It includes the words "as long as old men sit and talk about the weather, as long as old women sit and talk about old men." Adorable. So yeah, I missed out on all the "good stuff" for a few years. See that joke there? You would if you listened to country music.

Anyway, recently, I decided to have a listen to some country music while driving. I had to pull over because I was bawling. Occasionally, I'll pick Brandon up from lab and there will be hints of tears in my eyes and he will pretend not to notice. Many times, my girlie subconscious just needs a good cry. That's when it's time for some country music. In case you are a skeptic, I've compiled a list of country songs, new and old, guaranteed to pull on your little heartstrings. Because no matter how terrible and musically mundane this stuff is, it makes you want to just curl up and have a beer with your dog. And weep.

Don't Take the Girl, Tim McGraw

Live Like You Were Dyin, Tim McGraw

Stealin Cinderella, Chuck Wicks

My Little Girl, Tim McGraw

The Good Stuff,  Kenny Chesney

Remember When, Alan Jackson

There Goes My Life, Kenny Chesney

If You're Readin This, Tim McGraw

Concrete Angel, Martina McBride

How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye, Patty Loveless

You Were Mine, Dixie Chicks

Little Rock, Colin Raye

Godspeed. 

In case you missed it...

Here's Joseph Lowery delivering the inaugural benediction. Many people claim it's overtly racist, tasteless, and a sure sign that electing a black man was SUCH A TOTAL MISTAKE Y'ALL. I think its fantastic... but then.. I would, wouldn't I?

Side note... would it have been such a pain for one of those people to get this elderly gentleman a step stool... or a booster seat or something?

Side note dos: Yay for a President who feels comfortable enough with himself and his religious beliefs to chuckle during a prayer... and to mention "non-believers" in his address. Kudos Obama.

Ryan Seacrest is a Terrible Person

Back in the day, Ryan Seacrest was that dashing heartthrob on American Idol, especially in comparison to that strange British guy he co-hosted with in the beginning. Then we all began to catch on: this guy is an enormous sack of douche. Here's Seacrest trying to high-five a blind guy. Because for some reason, America respects him.

Bush's Last Press Conference: "america hates me so ill make more bad jokes & backhanded compliments. also i handled katrina awesomely"

Follow along with me, keeping in mind that this is only a portion of our eloquent leader's final adieu.

 00:00:01 We open, noting that dubya's tie and suit are both two different, very close shades of blue. Thanks for spending our taxes wisely. You look like a high school play. Dumbass.

00:00:19 Bush remembers Africa. For the first time.

00:00:30 Bush notes "turnover" in the media business and in one comment manages to insult people who actually do their job and bring attention to the fact that people are losing jobs. HA HA. Wonder why that is.

00:00:46 Makes a strange joke, reminding the American people of one of many words Bush introduced to the English language. All while maintaining a condescending grin. My stomach turns and I have a similar reaction to when cougars in bars wink. At anyone.

00:01:05 Bush says the media do the best they can. I am reminded of Palin's folksy description of the media as "a bunch of stinking apples." 

00:01:52 Bush almost forgets to add "billion" to 350. As if asking for either amount is making reference to pocket change.

00:02:05 Bush explains, in response to a question about the $350 bil bailout, how the senate works. Thanks, George. Perhaps now that you are done being president, you can write for the schoolhouse rock people. I'd love to learn (through toe-tapping songs of course) how the president decides who to bomb and when. 

00:02:15 Bush is charming. "He hasn't asked me for it yet." It's not his reparations, W. Be nice.

00:02:29 Third conversation? His wife came over?! You guys haven't hung out with a case of beer and a season of Entourage???? It's ok. I understand. You're old. You're worried about the secondhand smoke from his menthols.

00:02:47 "two sixty-two year olders"

00:03:09 "President-elect Obama's fixin' to do that." Followed by a hazy recollection of a series of events Bush wishes he could live all over again, a slight pang of guilt for being the worst president ever.

If I Could Change Facebook

Facebook, you've made some significant improvements since the days of my not so secretly uninhibited freshman year, when ugly people could get wall posts and messages because the photo application hadn't been developed. You've added wall to wall so that I can look at stupid couples' sarcastic banter and catty bitches' shit-talking. Avid facebookers have discovered loopholes, like stalking certain people who they are not friends with by stalking their friends, or even creating fake emails so that they can stalk people on other networks. And you finally got rid of that stupid "is" in the status window. Praise Jesus. There are just a few things I would like you to consider doing, so that I could enjoy my guilty pleasure even more.

1. Add a link to the photo menu from any photo album, eliminating the necessity to return "home" in between stalking different people.

2. Automatically de-friend people who post more than 3 albums in one hour, or anyone who posts more than 3 albums total of their study abroad experience. No one cares that much about the 3 new people you were forced to be friends with to enjoy your trip to Europe. And I don't care that much about architecture in the first place, especially after having the opportunity to look at it on 14 other people's study abroad album, appropriately titled "Paris." WOW. Omg you're so clever, and what do you know, I love obscure paintings; please show me more. Paris 2 must be even better. Perhaps I'll check that one out too. Or maybe I'll just hate you.

3. Tailor my newsfeed to actually reflect the people I stalk. If you're going to be an outright, honest, stalking application, PLEASE don't apologize about it facebook. Show me what I want to see: the girls my fiance has had sex with, washed up high school "popular" girls, lesbians, videos that include people I like.

4. Stop letting bands invite people to their shows, or their fundraising event. Or at least allow me to create a list of people that cannot invite me to fucking anything.

5. Put the goddamn bumper stickers back on my profile page, and don't take them away again.

6. Make the birthday thing a little more obvious. I'm tired of forgetting the birthdays of people I kind of like.

7. Add a feature that allows people to score or flag a photo or video, so that I can more easily locate vulgar, incriminating, or just plain amusing material.

8. Send a message to all people who separate their interests with periods instead of commas letting them know that they should probably kill themselves.

9. Let people know once and for all that being married to your bff isn't funny anymore. And speaking of, bring back the link over your relationship status that lets me find other engaged or married people, so that I can scope out people who are forced into matrimony by their bastard children/religious zeal.

10. Add a feature that reminds people, when uploading a new photo, that emo helicopter shots of themselves is the most toolish option. Make them check a box to promise they aren't uploading that shit.

Thanks in advance.