Facebook, you've made some significant improvements since the days of my not so secretly uninhibited freshman year, when ugly people could get wall posts and messages because the photo application hadn't been developed. You've added wall to wall so that I can look at stupid couples' sarcastic banter and catty bitches' shit-talking. Avid facebookers have discovered loopholes, like stalking certain people who they are not friends with by stalking their friends, or even creating fake emails so that they can stalk people on other networks. And you finally got rid of that stupid "is" in the status window. Praise Jesus. There are just a few things I would like you to consider doing, so that I could enjoy my guilty pleasure even more.
1. Add a link to the photo menu from any photo album, eliminating the necessity to return "home" in between stalking different people.
2. Automatically de-friend people who post more than 3 albums in one hour, or anyone who posts more than 3 albums total of their study abroad experience. No one cares that much about the 3 new people you were forced to be friends with to enjoy your trip to Europe. And I don't care that much about architecture in the first place, especially after having the opportunity to look at it on 14 other people's study abroad album, appropriately titled "Paris." WOW. Omg you're so clever, and what do you know, I love obscure paintings; please show me more. Paris 2 must be even better. Perhaps I'll check that one out too. Or maybe I'll just hate you.
3. Tailor my newsfeed to actually reflect the people I stalk. If you're going to be an outright, honest, stalking application, PLEASE don't apologize about it facebook. Show me what I want to see: the girls my fiance has had sex with, washed up high school "popular" girls, lesbians, videos that include people I like.
4. Stop letting bands invite people to their shows, or their fundraising event. Or at least allow me to create a list of people that cannot invite me to fucking anything.
5. Put the goddamn bumper stickers back on my profile page, and don't take them away again.
6. Make the birthday thing a little more obvious. I'm tired of forgetting the birthdays of people I kind of like.
7. Add a feature that allows people to score or flag a photo or video, so that I can more easily locate vulgar, incriminating, or just plain amusing material.
8. Send a message to all people who separate their interests with periods instead of commas letting them know that they should probably kill themselves.
9. Let people know once and for all that being married to your bff isn't funny anymore. And speaking of, bring back the link over your relationship status that lets me find other engaged or married people, so that I can scope out people who are forced into matrimony by their bastard children/religious zeal.
10. Add a feature that reminds people, when uploading a new photo, that emo helicopter shots of themselves is the most toolish option. Make them check a box to promise they aren't uploading that shit.
Thanks in advance.
3 comments:
god, i miss the "sort by engaged friends" feature.
sometimes i wish you ran the world.
Sorry that I have so many study abroad albums; they were mostly for my family to see what I was up to. I think that is okay, people don't have to look at them if they don't want to. :)
heidi, i didnt even know you had study abroad albums. do not be offended. i am eating your cookies now.
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