You're Gay

There are many things I love. Among them: hot pockets, nice cleavage, kittens, the gays, Asians posing for photographs. There are also some things I don't like: genocide, cinnamon gum, and straight people who think it's their fucking duty to police other straight peoples' use of the word "gay." Go. Away.

I understand you find it offensive. However, you must understand it is difficult for me to take you seriously. You are straight, and also probably haven't been laid for months. Unless you are deeply religious and have given birth to nine homosexuals and will never have grandchildren, I don't want to hear it. My sister is gay. I have 7362 brothers. One of them is bound to be gay, too. The best part is I have great parents who have been nothing but loving and supportive. And I would have no qualms with having gay children, as long as they end up with a much better sense of humor than you.

I was a musical theatre major. I was in an a cappella group. I've worked in theme parks. I know and very much love the gays, and they can be a tough bunch. If they don't object and harass straight people about their use of slang, why should you? OH WAIT I KNOW WHY... because you went to college, embraced your liberal, suburban-raised yuppie self, and decided that Vietnam never fucking ended. Mind your own business, or actually go and support a cause that can't speak for itself. Might I recommend the SPCA? 

Now back to my use of "gay" to describe unfortunate circumstances. My electricity provider doesn't offer online payments. You know what? That's gay. And I don't care what you think. It is. 

I am not ignorant, and I have never once in my life been guilty of the truly embarrassing 'your gay'. And if I weren't such a smartass, and innately good at criticizing things, I would probably consider your proposition of using it less in conversation. But you know what... I'm a bitch. And you're gay.