Everyone hates Valentine's Day.

Everyone. Admit it. It's the AT&T of holidays. The people who are happily and comfortably in love typically have nothing to prove, and are content to eat frozen pizza and watch DVR on Valentine's Day. These people (though they'll probably buy cards and a little extra booze) do not buy into the hype. They understand and abhor the materialism associated with this day. Even worse than the materialism, they understand that it's a day for embellishing one's love. Making up for shitty behavior and for being a terrible partner the other 364 days a year.

If balloons and ugly stuffed bears are enough to help you forgive your man for cheating on you/forgetting your birthday/insulting your mother to her face... then you should probably just have a nice quiet evening alone. In your garage. With the car running.

All the pathetic posers make themselves known on Valentine's Day: proposing, sending flowers to obscure locations, buying expensive dinners and highly advertised God-awful pieces of jewelry. For the record, there is nothing romantic about the simple pleasure of making other people jealous. Unless you're embracing that good old American dream; then everything is about making other people jealous. Good work.

While everyone is supposed to be celebrating their love, most people are stressed out and feel the pressure of the holiday. While out to eat, men hem and haw over buying a second drink since they've already spent a small fortune... and who knows if the broad plans on putting out anyway? And the women stress over the same issue. It's not "I'm really enjoying this pesto and your company". It's "I'm fat and now I'm going to have to make up for it later by ______"

I'm all for bartering, but think about it: how do prostitutes get paid? Good old fashioned dollars.. or crack, if that was going to be purchased with the dollars anyway. So why in hell do men expect women to put out because they bought them pink carnations and a singing card? If you did that to a sex worker, you'd get maced. Just sayin'. Now I know typical romantic relationships are not based on the principle of sex for money. HAHA. Okay. Right. But successful romantic relationships are about sharing, not one-upping. They're about being vulnerable and telling the truth. They're about laughing at stupid inside jokes and making sacrifices for the future well-being of the bond, not for the immediate satisfaction of Olive Garden breadsticks.

If you love someone, don't buy them an expensive box of chocolates they'll have to dig through to avoid the coconut ones. Wait until the day after Valentine's Day, fill your cart to your little heart's desire with clearance candy, and share it year round.