Children know best.

Charlie Brown: Isn't there anyone who understands what Christmas is all about?!

Linus: Sure, I can tell you what Christmas is all about: December 25 is associated with the birth of many Pagan gods, including Mithra, Horus, Hercules, Zeus, and Sol Invictus. The Roman festival Saturnalia would also end around this time. Christianity imported many of these Pagan myths and traditions into its own customs around 400 AD. Today Christians express outrage that Christmas is losing its Christian roots. This is ironic since it was Christianity that hijacked the holiday in the first place to make it easier to convert new followers. Nevertheless, it is a wonderful opportunity to share our love with friends and family, and commit acts of goodwill for those that are less fortunate. It is a time for children to revel in their innocence and wonder about the world, and adults to find their inner child. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

It's a funny thing, Christmastime. Four weeks ago you were stuffing your face and sharing the same awkward moments with the same people. Here you are again. This time you've got a new sweater (wouldn't want your extended family to know you only have one sweater!!) and you're ready to make this shit quick. You're also not as willing this time to feast in reckless abandonment since you've reached your winter weight gain limit and your pants feel like they may not be joining you in the new year. You've got your $15 gift handy for your white elephant exchange (it's a scarf) and you're on the edge of your seat. Hoping for gift cards. Children inevitably end up with the best gifts post-exchange. Because, really, Christmas is about children and making sure they never cry because they're annoying when they cry. Also it's nice to avoid letting children grow up too fast with too few happy childhood memories because nobody wants to have to help pay for therapy and/or bail later down the road.

Children are smart. You ask an adult what they want for Christmas and they say something silly like, "Continued health of the family... a job market turnaround." You ask a kid, and they have a list of fourteen possible options including applicable accessories and extras. They list them in desired order, placing special emphasis on specific and highly necessary details. Swan Lake Barbie is on the list, but if you get the Swan Lake Barbie with the red hair and not the blond hair, Santa is going on her shit list. I distinctly remember asking for Puppy Surprise as a kid, making sure to stress that I wanted the maximum amount of puppies- NO EXCEPTIONS. I was a thorough, though terribly bratty child. Imagine my parents' anxiety upon realizing that Puppy Surprise was indeed also a surprise to its purchaser, with no way to predetermine how many puppies one might end up with. I think my parents were more nervous than I was come Christmas morning. I ended up with three puppies, one more puppy than the minimum. Thankfully, I was so excited about my other gifts, I barely made a peep about the mistake.

You never hear children harassing others to "put Christ back in Christmas" and "remember the reason for the season" because children know well enough to keep their trap shut. Children are too busy scouring the Sunday ads for toys they may have somehow glossed over to pull you aside and exclaim with their eyes closed about the "magic and splendor" of this holiday. Children are too busy doing what everyone else should be doing: minding their own business and planning their next move. I'm all for giving, and for experiencing the joy of helping others who don't have the luxuries I do. I throw my change in the red bucket, and I pay my outrageous taxes to the city of St. Louis. But this Christmas, instead of being cheap and sharing only your religious beliefs with others, show a little childish pride and go sit by yourself until somebody asks what you want Santa to bring you.