Twilight with the Kochers

This is what I want for Christmas

and I'm not even kidding. No... seriously.

Netflix is finding more and more ways to make me laugh.

Member reviews for The Help:

I have put Here on Earth in the mail...

Beautiful.

No Thanks.

No I will not. I will just trust you. And probably send you a hand-written thank you card now that I don't have to die a little inside every three hours.

Brandon and I were discussing this and I said it was because most people already have smart phones, and they check them 40 times an hour, so being notified multiple times for the same LAZER TAG PARTY FOR SHANIELA'S 23RD!!!!!! is redundant. AND REDUNDANT DOES NOT FLY IN THE ZUCKERBERG HOUSE, Y'ALL.

You are more than welcome for the pitchy Beyonce cover. And I picked this version because Adrien Brody's in it. Just.. because he's perfect in every way.

In honor of my first solo gig tomorrow...

I'll remind you why I started playing music: to throw myself desperately at men.

Just kidding. I don't do that anymore.

Children are dying... probably.

Also what's with the black girl? She makes one comment about science around 2:00, and then gets one "please" at the end... maybe she was busy. Or not funny. Maybe both.

From "The Wayward Bus"

So I made a promise to myself to read every Steinbeck book before the summer was out. All my fall-loving friends on facebook, my desire for pumpkins, and my sunroof are telling me time is running out. But I found this little morsel the other night and really wanted to share:

"Look, kid," she said. "You'll just have to believe this until you find it out for yourself-- everybody's a tramp some time or another. Everybody. And the worst tramps of all are the ones that call it something else."

Sometimes I think the way Steinbeck writes women can be very indicative of the era in which he penned his books. They're treated as little girls, or coveted frail objects, or as something to work to attain and worship but never to fully respect.

But then there are times he surprises me and reminds me of how much deep-bellied truth there is in each of his books.

Please

stop letting the world know via your facebook status how acutely aware you are of the temperature outside.

I am still in love with you, Dave Grohl.

Please don't forget about me. I was never the stalker/groupie type, as evidenced by my refusal to "hang out later somewhere" with Gavin Degraw.

But Dave Grohl, I would lovingly rest between you and the kick for a chance to listen to you bang on snares/ sing about banging me. Maybe.

Either way, you're a certified silver fox in training and so unequivocally badass. I don't care if you think I'm a child. If you do, take me trick or treating. I like costumes.

Oh Google you are SO CUTE.

Happy Birthday, Mendel! I appreciate all you mid 19th century church-funded and therefore financially stable and hobby-obsessed scientists/artists/philosophers/writers/creators...

Without you, we wouldn't have so much beauty and knowledge to interpret and build upon. Thanks for being bored with sitting around thinkin' 'bout Jesus.

We appreciate it.

Fuck you, Netflix.

In case you were wondering, Netflix has 2,180 full time employees. So that probably explains why 1,114 people "like" this.

Bees?

Things I Don't Want to Talk About

There are so many situations in which I feel horribly obligated to engage in unwelcome conversation that sometimes I daydream about living in a 1940s bomb shelter.

These situations are unavoidable but include trips to the hair salon, run-ins with old friends, family gatherings, meetings with your significant others' co-workers and loose acquaintances. Everyone's just trying to make light, polite conversation. We're all just trying to grease the gears between our respective lives and move forward without burning bridges or creating masked hostility. When really... all most of us want to say is, "Gee, you look like you've gained weight; are you depressed?" or "Gee, you look like you've lost a lot of weight; are you depressed?"

Or maybe it's just me, analyzing social interactions more than enjoying them. Counting how often you say "excuse me", "please", and desperately hoping to catch a glimpse at what kind of tip you left the waitress. I'm a judger, baby. And a fighter.

Everybody hones their skills in small talk. And everybody walks away hating themselves for it. How's your family doing? Do they still hate your brother for being gay because they're a close-minded bunch of rednecks? That's nice. Your mother's meatballs are delicious. Did she cry into her wine glass while making them because your father is cheating on her? Is your sister still failing out of college because she's finally got a solid coke dealer? Good to hear. I love the farmer's market, too!!!!!!

I guess i should get to this list, then:

1. I don't want to talk about what's playing on Broadway. Yes, I went to college for Musical Theatre. But guess what? I live in St. Louis. It's actually not a very close drive into the city, and I will probably be busy the night of Tony's, thanks. Not that I would have RSVP'd to your raucous night of Boone's Farm binge drinking and flip cup with people approaching their thirties.

2. St. Louis. How do you like St. Louis? Is St. Louis treating you well? How long will you be in St. Louis? Let me just answer all your questions. St. Louis is not horrible but not great and we will be leaving as soon as Brandon gets his PhD. No, not to be closer to my family. Or his. Or anyone in particular. Just to be somewhere else and enjoy a new set of people and perspectives.

3. My job. This is one's always a doozy. Yep, I moved to St. Louis to be with Brandon. Now we're married, we're happy. We are content with our place in society and have a tentative life plan. Because tentative is the way to go when life can't be planned in detail. I teach pole part-time. I sing part-time. I freelance. I exist within an unstructured artistic environment with support and love from those who matter. And if you want to judge me, be my guest. But while you're seething because it seems as if life just ISN'T fair for you, don't get too dependent on that M&M's stash in your desk. Because then you'll get fat and REALLY bitter.

4. Casey Anthony. Yep. She killed her kid. But if you think that its an "atrocity" that she is now "free", you are a deluded, uneducated, dimwit. Because that girl will spend the rest of her life imprisoned in a world where everyone around her has convicted her of something the media not only created, but fed. The real tragedy is how many Americans fell victim to yet another piece of news that's not nearly as important as just about anything else available in terms of news. Sure, one child died. But do you know how many die every day from not having clean water? But you're right. Those kids don't matter. They aren't white. And there aren't photos of them posing with Winnie the Pooh blankets.

5. Your problems. Don't lie; you don't want to talk about mine either... unless they're juicy. So keep it concise. I respond better to concise. Unless we're going to get drunk and talk about your problems. In that case, I would love to hear about how you think your boyfriend might be cheating. If I'm drunk that could actually be pretty fun.

6. Your dog. Your dog loves you whether you forget to feed it or not. It loves you if you kick it. It loves you if you make it watch Two and a Half Men with you. Your dog has no self-respect. And I do not want to hear about what it did. Unless it pooped in your bed or humped your toddler nephew until he toppled over because both of those are hilarious.

7. Your mom. Call Kanye. He likes to talk about his mom, too. You guys can chill out and share a pizza and a couple beers. But don't count on him picking up the tab; I hear he's kind of a dick.

8. The weather. Yes. I know. This is such a standby. Why destroy such a standby?!! Whatever will I talk to my grandmother about once she laments about New York's new gay marriage bill? (She does not live in New York.) The weather has always been a back-up. But let's strive. Let's strive for something more than small talk and the weather.

Let's aim higher. Higher than Casey Anthony. Higher than summer plans and Youtube videos. Let's dig a little deeper into each other and not worry so much about finding something we might not like. Let's read more so we have more to talk about. Let's think more so we have more to defend. Let's listen more so we have more to weigh against our own opinions.

I want to talk about things I'm learning about and things I'm challenged by. I want to hear about your process, not your progress. I want to discuss fear and love because that's all there is.

Bucket Lists

My bucket list actually includes getting the hell OUT of St. Louis, but thank you Facebook.

Everyone has a bucket list. Most people don't write theirs down because its terrifying to think someone might find it and read it out loud. Much like your Google search history. What if at funerals, they didn't sign hymns and say prayers but just read an entire month's worth of your Google searches aloud for everyone to hear? Wouldn't that be fun? Definitely- unless it was your Google history.

Anyway, bucket lists are helpful to some people. They can help sketch out long term goals, time frames for these goals, and they rarely ever include references to other people. In short, bucket lists are one way to remind you that you'll die alone. So better get crackin' on that to do list. And better empty your cache.

Recently I watched that terrible Bucket List movie. I cried at the end because I am capable of female emotion, but I spent the majority of the film wondering why these things are so common for people on their bucket lists:

1. Skydiving: Okay, jumping out of a plane. I get it: what big balls you have. Now try riding the Metrolink at 3am or having lunch at that sketchy hole in the wall sushi place out by the mall. I am not scared of making one swift move that could plummet me to my death. I am afraid of making hundreds of small moves that could land me in the middle of white mediocrity with my kids screeching and spilling Kool Aid everywhere and my husband yelling Jeopardy answers at the TV. And never making it a question. Part of the challenge is making it a question.

2. Getting a Tattoo: Again, so very scary. Except this time it only gets scary eight months out when you're perusing the internet and find this terrifying article on Hepatitis and you're certain you've acquired it. Also, when you're 40, your kids are going to be really confused about their heritage if you have to explain your clover, your cross, your star, your chinese symbols, the date of your last period and your butterfly holding a sparkler.

3. Drive a Fast Car: Enjoy it while you can. And please stay off my street. And don't tell too many people about your car thing. They might get the wrong idea and not want to have sex with you, which leads me to...

4. Have Sex With a Whole Bunch of People: Gross. Just get a cat if you're that lonely. And don't do inappropriate things with the cat. That's not what I meant. I just meant cuddle it and tell it your secrets.

5. Travel the World: Okay now this one I like. Unless you're traveling with one backpack and a whole bunch of body odor. Then no. I like to travel. I also like my things. My things include my soap, shampoo, conditioner, razor, lotion, face lotion, jewelry, clothes, shoes, books, musical instruments, iphone, various charging devices, notebooks, bees, ham sandwiches, Newsweek subscription, martini shaker, candles, pillows, blankets, towels, scarves, laundry baskets, pampered chef ice cream scoop, dishwasher, and cats. The cats are of utmost importance. (See #4.) So no, I'm not willing to travel the world in 86 chapters. I will travel in small increments in the span of my life. Some people call these small increments "vacations." And I plan to live in a half dozen more places before I die. But no. I like all my shit. I am American.

Also, my personal bucket list is a secret and will remain so until my death when it will be read aloud in a very depressing memorial service. (Because clearly I did not get to all that stuff. "But she tried.. oh how she tried.") And that will be that.

But just a little teaser...my bucket list includes teaching a dog to read.

Children like their mothers because they're comforting.

Adults like their mothers because they appreciate how honest they can be:

Don't worry Osama,

It didn't work out very well for MC Hammer either.

The only April Fool's Day jokes I'm interested in

are Google's.

Watching Gymnasts Dance

NEVER EVER GETS LESS FUNNY.

"My favorite part was when the monkey rode the pig backwards"

Also, why is no one in this video at all fazed by this amazing feat of nature? They just amble along in their crocs, not at all worried about the consequences this unlikely friendship may have. You would think they hadn't seen The Fox and the Hound. Speaking of that movie, I am still unsure whether that owl was male or female.