You're Gay

There are many things I love. Among them: hot pockets, nice cleavage, kittens, the gays, Asians posing for photographs. There are also some things I don't like: genocide, cinnamon gum, and straight people who think it's their fucking duty to police other straight peoples' use of the word "gay." Go. Away.

I understand you find it offensive. However, you must understand it is difficult for me to take you seriously. You are straight, and also probably haven't been laid for months. Unless you are deeply religious and have given birth to nine homosexuals and will never have grandchildren, I don't want to hear it. My sister is gay. I have 7362 brothers. One of them is bound to be gay, too. The best part is I have great parents who have been nothing but loving and supportive. And I would have no qualms with having gay children, as long as they end up with a much better sense of humor than you.

I was a musical theatre major. I was in an a cappella group. I've worked in theme parks. I know and very much love the gays, and they can be a tough bunch. If they don't object and harass straight people about their use of slang, why should you? OH WAIT I KNOW WHY... because you went to college, embraced your liberal, suburban-raised yuppie self, and decided that Vietnam never fucking ended. Mind your own business, or actually go and support a cause that can't speak for itself. Might I recommend the SPCA? 

Now back to my use of "gay" to describe unfortunate circumstances. My electricity provider doesn't offer online payments. You know what? That's gay. And I don't care what you think. It is. 

I am not ignorant, and I have never once in my life been guilty of the truly embarrassing 'your gay'. And if I weren't such a smartass, and innately good at criticizing things, I would probably consider your proposition of using it less in conversation. But you know what... I'm a bitch. And you're gay.

I already loved Kate Hudson. NOW MORE.

I have a role model, and her name is Kate Hudson. There are many many reasons I love Kate Hudson. Here are a few.

1. She is a raging hippie.

2. She has no boobs and it doesn't bother her.

3. She was married to Chris Robinson. He has long hair.

4. She let her little boy have long hair

5. She has a tight ass

6. That yellow dress in How to Lose a Guy was orgasmic.

7. She was pregnant in Skeleton Key and no one noticed because she's so hot

8. Her mom is Goldie Hawn

9. She was the MUCH hotter bride in Bride Wars... though i will NEVER EVER pay to see that movie

10. THIS

If I Had a Party

If I had a party... that's right.. if I had a party. It's common knowledge that I don't particularly enjoy hosting large gatherings, and have been known in the past to stand on tables in a towel screaming at strangers to get out before I called the cops on my own apartment. Obviously, this is because I prefer to be surrounded by groups of 8 or less; preferably, these people would also be literate and have something interesting to bring to the conversation. 

Unfortunately, this has not always been possible. My junior year was spent fending off drooling idiot girls with bad skin and ugly coach purses who were trying to use my roommates for their narcissistic all-male a cappella friends. Apparently, all-male a cappella members have boy band status on college campuses. I attribute this to slutty drunk girls being in constant competition with one another for men who may or may not have feelings, based on the fact that they have some comprehension of music and Maroon 5 lyrics. Also, all male a cappella has about the same homo rate as boy bands: 2/3 or something close.

Anyway, back to my party. If I could physically endure having a party with more than 8 people, and could invite anyone (dead or alive), here is my invitation list:

People Who Are Invited:

Anthony Bourdain, Vanna White, Khloe Kardashian, Dorothy Parker, Chelsea Handler, Alfred Kinsey, Angela Lansbury, Freddie Mercury, Bill Cosby (only if he were a toddler and resembled Gary Coleman), Teddy Roosevelt, Joel McHale, Kate Hudson, Jesus (if he were cool), Amy Winehouse, the big fat Hawaiian guy who sang that cool cover of "Over the Rainbow", the big fat Indian guy who drove me home that night I was walking home alone and didn't rape/ kill me, Ethel Merman, Hugh Jackman, Cole Porter, Natalie Weiss, Sarah Silverman, Stephen Hawking (but only if we could call him 'Wheels' like the Burger King character), Joan of Arc, Elaine Stritch, Ray Charles, Eleanor Roosevelt & her date of choice, Pearl from the landlord video, Adriana Lima, Tina Fey, Pocahontas, Ma Rainey, Bob Ross

People Who, Should They Crash the Party, Be Immediately Ejected:

Mario Lopez, Ryan Seacrest, Suzanne Somers, Dr. Phil, Kendra Wilkinson, Tyra Banks, Jesus (if he walked around like he was fucking Jesus), Bill Nye, George W Bush, Tiffany "New York" Pollard or her fatter, older version Star Jones, Ryan Reynolds, JTT, Any former or current Playmates or Lingo girls, Rachel Ray, Chris Brown (following recent events), Rihanna (because she should really grow her hair out once she recovers from whatever Chris Brown did to her),  the guy who screams about money and has a lot of yellow graphics

Their extended attendance would depend upon my level of intoxication:

Zac Braff, Usher, Celine Dion, the Bush twins.

BYOB. I will provide snacks, music, and access to my wii. (sorry stephen)